The Guardian Weekly

Ask Annalisa

It’s hard to make friends

Annalisa Barbieri

I’m a man in a my mid-30s who feels pretty lonely. I’ve finished university so I’m no longer around new faces, and friends have drifted for various reasons (moved away, kids etc). My two closest friends live abroad and while I love them dearly, I really miss the in-person aspect, especially after the everythingvirtual nature of the pandemic.

My partner and I occasionally do things, but in general we prefer to do different things: she likes hosting, I like to go out, she loves nature walks, I’m a city person. I work from home. My company organises social activities, which I turn down because they happen in big groups and my biggest obstacle is being an introvert, with social anxiety. I’ve always struggled to make and keep friends. The usual advice is to join a class, a club (or volunteer) but all of those happen in group settings and as an introvert, I find even small groups intimidating. I’m rarely a fun or interesting person in that setting.

If putting myself outside my comfort zone yielded some connections I could at least say it was worth the initial discomfort, but the older I get the less rewarding it is to force myself through these situations. I don’t know where to start.

We are wired for real life connection and I think the development of everything being virtual during the pandemic has affected many. But loneliness can also come about in company, when we don’t feel seen or heard. You say you’ve always struggled – but I wonder if you feel particularly lonely now. Is your relationship fulfilling?

I went to psychotherapist JohnPaul Davies who noted your word introvert. “An introvert is someone who goes inwards to work things out, an extrovert tends to get energy from other people. So I don’t think that’s an obstacle [to making friends] perhaps the anxiety is more of one.”

Anxiety about how we might come across – and worry that we won’t be liked – does seem to underpin most social interactions. I wonder how different we’d all feel if we could see what everyone else was thinking in these situations – most likely, the same thing. But if your self-esteem is low, then it’s hard to accept this.

And as Davies points out, selfesteem comes from knowing who we are and finding ourselves

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interesting – and this comes from having ourselves reflected back favourably by people around us, which is why positive social interaction is so vital.

Davies’ advice was to “try to deepen existing relationships first”. I know that your friends don’t live close but trying to enrich those connections may be a good initial step, by video chat, email or letters. If you find video chats too intense, perhaps think about calling while doing something, such as cooking.

Perhaps the building blocks for making friends are closer than you think. You say your partner loves hosting – might that be a way to meet people in an environment you’re already comfortable with? At home there are excuses to leave the room if need be, to regroup. Would your work socials be more bearable if you set yourself a time limit of, say, 45 minutes?

I wonder if, when you meet new people, you could think not will they find you interesting, but will you will find them interesting. This can shift the focus from you and may lessen your anxiety. Instead of trying to find things to say, ask questions. People love talking about themselves.

Friendships take work and time. It’s also tempting to see every social situation as a way to make new friends, but that’s unrealistic. Maybe you could think of them as ways to make connections, rather than lifelong friendships. That may help take the pressure off.

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2023-03-31T07:00:00.0000000Z

2023-03-31T07:00:00.0000000Z

https://theguardianweekly.pressreader.com/article/282480008053415

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