The Guardian Weekly

Covid curbs socialising

Annalisa Barbieri

To see a family member struggling can make us feel helpless – even lost

I am worried about my brother and wondering if there is any way to help him through his fear of Covid. It’s prevented him going out for all but essential errands and appointments since the beginning of the pandemic (neither he nor his wife go out to work). At the root of it is a concern about infecting his wife, who has some underlying health conditions. But they were happy to socialise before Covid – the risk of catching coughs/colds etc was not a major concern. The lockdowns seem to have triggered a general paranoia about germs, infection and mingling with others. This is despite also being fully vaccinated and boosted.

I’ve tried to coax him into socialising in a safe setting – at the park with just me and my wife, and offering to do lateral flow tests in advance – but he’s still anxious about face-to-face contact and declines. I worry that he and his wife are subconsciously feeding each other’s fears and can’t get themselves out of this way of thinking and behaving.

If being fully vaccinated doesn’t help to restore his confidence to venture out in a relatively safe setting, I’m not sure what will. I don’t want to pressure him, since I respect that everyone has to make a choice about risk. Yet I am worried about the mental toll of such an isolated and anxious existence.

Iunderstand how worried you must be. You say they don’t go out to work, and I wasn’t sure if that’s because they don’t work or they work from home, and if the latter was something that happened before Covid. In other words, I’m wondering how much your brother was quite insular before, perhaps without you fully realising it. But really the crucial thing is, is he worried about the situation? If not, there’s little impetus for change.

I went to UKCP-registered psychotherapist Nicholas Rose who has worked with people with complex post-traumatic stress disorder. “To see a family member struggling can leave us feeling helpless – even a bit lost,” he said. But he was also curious about your relationship and what your dynamic was before this. Are there other siblings? Are they worried?

The reason the dynamic is important is that it may be you’re the fixer in the relationship, or maybe your brother staying at home means more to you than him.

It really wasn’t clear which facts were established – you say things like “at the root of it” and “seem to” but we weren’t sure if this was a conclusion you’ve come to or something you and your brother have actively, and clearly, spoken about. People often say they’re really worried about a situation and when I say: “Have you explained this to them?” they say: “Well, no, not really.” Rose wondered if a direct approach – something like saying: “I’m concerned; I see a change in your behaviour and I am worrying about you” – might give your brother the opportunity to be clear about why he/they are taking this position. I think it’s important your brother understands you’re concerned.

Once you really know what you’re dealing with, then go back to being gentle, yet still challenge him about what the evidence is for his fears. Ultimately I’m afraid you cannot force your brother to do anything, however much you want to.

Something may have changed for them that you don’t know about; maybe your sister-in-law’s condition has worsened. But also sometimes something comes along that provides an excuse for people to change the way they live.

You may see their existence as “anxious and isolated”, but it may not be so for them. In the meantime, keep communications going by whatever means acceptable. I think it’s great he has such a concerned sibling but I hope you also have someone to think about you.

If you would like advice on a family matter, email ask.annalisa@ theguardian. com. See theguardian. com/lettersterms for terms and conditions

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2023-02-03T08:00:00.0000000Z

2023-02-03T08:00:00.0000000Z

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