My son lacks confidence

I have an 11-year-old son who is finding life quite difficult. He has always suffered from very low selfesteem and confidence, even as a toddler. He has always had a strong need for control and experienced extreme separation anxiety. Even while toilet training, he would “hold on” for as long as possible.

At school, he would give up on things very easily and say: “I can’t do it,” or say what he’d done is “rubbish”. He finds friendships difficult. He seems keen to have friends but is reluctant to see them outside school or to join clubs. He is not keen on team sport because he says he was laughed at during PE at school. At home, he chats away but is shy with others to the point of sometimes coming across as rude. He has begun talking about how he doesn’t like the way he looks.

My main concern is his lack of self-esteem – no matter how many times I tell him how wonderful he is, it doesn’t make a difference. As parents we have always praised him for trying (rather than for the end result) and are not critical at all. We also don’t put pressure on him. He is a lovely, thoughtful and kind boy, so I am simply looking for how I can help boost his confidence.

Generally speaking, a child’s self-esteem develops from being recognised, listened to and accepted for who they are. This can be eroded for all sorts of reasons, one of which is being laughed at in school.

You didn’t give me much context so I don’t know if he has siblings, or if anything has ever happened at home or in his upbringing that may have affected him.

I contacted consultant child and adolescent psychotherapist Cathy Troupp, whose first thought was that “whenever a child has mental health issues or problems with relationships, one should always consider possible factors other than parenting”. Troupp lists some of these as “developmental issues, or even autism spectrum conditions or even ADHD”. She also says you shouldn’t turn yourselves inside out looking for answers.

Your son cannot be diagnosed from a letter, so this is just an avenue to explore based on what you’ve told us. If you felt this chimed with you, Troupp says your first port of call is your GP, to ask for a referral to Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services, which could screen and refer to specialist autism assessment services if appropriate. Waiting lists are long, so if you think this is a

Reframe your view of your son. Think about what works for him

possibility it might be worth getting on the list sooner than later.

Equally, your son may be “neurotypical” (he may not have any of the developmental issues outlined). I asked Troupp what you could do to help. We looked at expectations. Troupp suggests “reframing your view of your son. Don’t expect him to fit in with social norms, and instead think [as best you can] about what works for him?”

She adds: “If he finds it more comfortable to be alone, for example, then maybe limit the amount of social interactions, and just see that as OK and meeting his own unique needs?”

Troupp also suggested “doing something like drama. Somewhere where children are well led, there is some structure but they are also free to express themselves.” If he doesn’t like certain sports, does he have to do them? Finally, says Troupp: “If he doesn’t believe you when you say he’s wonderful, then maybe it’s because he doesn’t feel wonderful, so start talking to him in a more grown-up way. Ask him: “What do you find difficult?” and “What do you think you’re good at?”

It’s common for parents to try to problem solve, but children can hear that as dismissal. Most of all be patient, both with him and yourself.

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